The Secret Files of Harvey Bullock
by The-Riddler95
Summary: Captain Barnes has cleaned up the GCPD by firing every corrupt cop on payroll - all except for one. Not knowing what to do with Harvey Bullock, Barnes decides to gather a file on everything concerning Detective Bullock to decide what to do with him. What follows is a collection of stories and conversations concerning reasons to fire Harvey, all to help with Barnes' final decision.
1. He Harasses Fellow Officers

_My name is Captain Nathaniel Barnes of the GCPD and co-founder of its black-ops Strike Force team. When I came to the GCPD, it was a corrupt wasteland of sad, weak cops, and I have thus far molded it into the disciplined justice patrol that this city so desperately needed and deserved. Although my work is far from over, there is still a person under my employment that I have yet to see prove his mettle. Detective Harvey Bullock is the most corrupt officer I've let remain under my employment. Jim Gordon has vouched for this man's loyalty, but I have not seen any evidence that Detective Bullock is worthy of his title at the GCPD. I am on the verge of firing him, but I can't be sure that is a wise decision, so I have decided to amass a file full of evidence against Bullock so I can decide once and for all if I should fire his sorry butt._

 _First off, I decided to interview the first person to vouch for him – his partner Jim Gordon. I asked him to come in my office, and the following is a recording of his testimony._

* * *

Well, there was this one time, but I don't know a lot about it. You told me to take him to the pier to investigate the Montgomery case, but he didn't want to come. He ended up going, but vowed revenge on me. Anyway, after we were talking about this singer named Adele who I've never heard of before, so then that gave him an idea for his revenge. And then he... well, I guess it'll be easier if I show you my cell phone. Just look at this.

(Jim shows me his cell phone and I scroll through a text message conversation between him and Bullock. )

Bullock: Hello

Jim: Oh, hi. Bullock, is that you?

Bullock: It's me

Jim: Oh, hey. What's up?

Bullock: I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

Jim: What? Oh, I get it. It's the start of January and you haven't texted me since the end of December. Very funny, Harvey. What do you want to meet for?

Bullock: To go over everything

Jim: With the Montgomery case? Mr. Montgomery is still in the hospital

Bullock: They say time's supposed to heal you

Jim: Yeah, I hope he's gonna be okay.

Bullock: But I ain't done much healing

Jim: Yeah, I heard about your kidney. Sorry about that.

Bullock: Hello from the other side

Jim: Oh, are you on the other side of Gotham? The reception must be terrible

Bullock: I must have called a thousand times

Jim: Yeah, sorry about that.

Bullock: To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

Jim: Umm... what?

Bullock: But when I call you never seem to be home

Jim: Are you drunk again?

Bullock: Hello from the outside

Jim: Hold on... this is an Adele song, isn't it?

Bullock: At least I can say that I've tried

Jim: This is getting annoying, please stop

Bullock: To tell you I'm sorry

Jim: I'm serious. Stop.

Bullock: For breaking your heart

Jim: BULLOCK, STOP THIS RIGHT NOW

Bullock: But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Jim: I swear to god, if you don't stop this instant...

Bullock:

Jim:

Bullock:

Jim: Good, you stopped. Okay, now do you want to-

*Incoming call from Harvey Bullock*

 _At this point, Jim picks up the phone call and Bullock blares the song into the phone at full volume, making Jim go legally deaf for two hours._

 **(A/N) I hope you liked it! More chapters coming soon, and if you really liked it, go check out my other story about Alfred called The Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth! Oh, and I do not own the song, all rights go to Adele, and all that stuff, so don't sue me.**


	2. He Lives With Suspicious People

_After this, I asked Detective Gordon if he had any more evidence against Bullock, and he gave me a rather interesting story about Bullock's living conditions at home. Story is recorded below._

* * *

So... you had just assigned us to the Rockveldt murders case and we were on our way there, and then halfway through the car ride, Bullock got a call on his phone. I didn't know what it was, but he told me we had to stop by his apartment for a few seconds so he could pick up his niece, Veronica.

Anyway, we pulled up to his driveway and he told me to come inside his house. When I asked why, he said it was because his mother liked me, which was weird because I'd never met his mom. I followed him through the door of his house, and the first thing I heard was his mom screaming, "Harvey, is that you?!"

Bullock turned to me and rolled his eyes. Then, he yelled back to his mom, "Yeah, Ma!"

Bullock's mom hobbled into the living room where we were. She was really old, walking with a cane and had short grey hair. She was wrinkled, pudgy, and looked bitter, wearing a pink sweater. "Where have you been all day? I needed help opening the toaster!"

Bullock screamed internally for a little and sighed, "Ma, you don't open a toaster. You just put bread in the toaster and-"

"Just feed the cat!" Ma Bullock shouted, swatting at the air and sitting on the couch.

I grinned uncomfortably and Bullock groaned, "Ma, how many times do I have to tell you? The cat has been dead for three years!"

"That's because you keep forgetting to feed it!" and Ma Bullock just turned on the television.

Bullock looked back at me. By this point, I was getting really weirded out. He grabbed my arm and dragged me up a flight of stairs and said he was going to introduce me to his niece. He had told me before that his niece was visiting from Star City and was living with him for a while. Then, Bullock grabbed the doorknob on a bedroom and shook it for a long time until it finally opened, and I saw his niece lying on her bed.

His niece was about eighteen years old, with dark hair and two pounds of black eye makeup over each eye. She was wearing nothing but a tiny, thin, black leather jacket, a black bandeau, and blue short shorts. Her hair was long, she had a tattoo of a black heart on her wrist, and she looked so skinny, I wouldn't be surprised if Bullock fed her once a week. She was texting with a blank expression on her face and headphones blaring music so loud, I could hear the drumming and screaming from where I was standing without headphones.

"Veronica!" Bullock yelled, as if it was completely normal for his niece to be half-naked and trying to deafen herself. She couldn't hear, so he had to walk over and yank out her earbuds.

"What is it, Uncle Bullock?" She growled. I just decided to keep to myself.

"We have to go." Bullock said. "I'm supposed to take you to the library."

Veronica threw her iPod across the room. "I don't want to go to the library! My boyfriend is going to a club later and he said he has a surprise for me!"

I was really doubting my partner's parenting skills. He sighed and said, "I don't care about your stupid boyfriend. Now go with Uncle Jim to the car while I take care of something for a second."

I leaned in to whisper in Bullock's ear and asked, "I meet her for twenty seconds and suddenly I'm Uncle Jim?"

"I hate you!" Veronica shouted at Bullock, and crossed her arms to stand beside me.

Bullock grinned at me, "Take her to the car while I go do something."

I hesitated, "I'm not very good with kids."

"It's okay. She'll just text her boyfriend and snort crack until you slap her a little."

"You let her use cocaine?"

Bullock whispered to me, "Don't worry. I tell her it's cocaine, but it's just leaves from the bush outside the precinct."

"Is this good parenting?!"

Bullock waved goodbye to me and disappeared into another room, while I stood awkwardly next to his niece, who had plugged her earbuds back in and was listening to heavy metal on a second iPod.

"So..." I said. "Bullock is your uncle?"

"Whatever." Veronica said. She started back down the stairs to the car and I followed her. I was extremely confused as to how she was texting and walking down stairs at the same time without falling. While I followed her down the stairs, I had another encounter with Bullock's mom, who was also not the least bit concerned about her grand-niece.

Ma Bullock yelled at me, "Ooh, handsome policeman!"

I looked around the room to see if anyone else knew how awkward this was, but Veronica didn't look up from her phone, so I just said, "Umm... thank you?"

"Are you Harvey's boyfriend?"

"NO! I mean... no, I'm just his detective partner."

Ma Bullock nodded. "Well tell him to work out more. I didn't move here from the old country so he could blow himself up into a pudgy raccoon."

I looked around, desperately waiting for Bullock to come back. "I will, Mrs. Bullock."

"Why can't my boy be handsome like you?"

"Okay, I'm leaving now." I pushed Veronica out the door and got her in the car while we waiting for Bullock, and he finally showed up with his bag and police files.

"What were you doing?"

"Peeing." Bullock said. "But listening to you and Ma talk was hilarious."

Veronica cleared her throat and yelled, "I'm driving!" and didn't wait for our approval before jumping in the driver's seat.

I looked at Bullock to check if it was safe, and he laughed. "And we're going to drive in a separate car. She gets driving tickets as often as she gets STD's."

 **More chapters coming soon!**


	3. He Meets With Dubious Societies

_This was a very informative story, and gave me a lot of insight as to who Harvey Bullock really was. Before I left Gordon to his police work again, I asked him if he had any other stories to share about Bullock, and he told me he had just one more to share. He swears that he took no part in this, but gave me insight as to whom else to start files on in the precinct. Gordon calls this story 'Roast of Captain Barnes.'_

This is kind of uncomfortable to talk about. It all started with a case we were on. A gang in downtown was smuggling furniture into a warehouse for suspicious reasons, and no other cops were investigating. Bullock didn't want me to investigate either, and I thought this was going to be a repeat of the Ogre case. I suppose he didn't want me investigating further as he knew I would, so he just told me, "Jim, you're still kind of new here, so there are things you don't know. If you promise not to say anything to anyone about it, I'll tell you."

"Is this thing illegal?" I asked.

He shook his head, completely serious. "Not technically, but Cap will still bust you for it if he finds out. Come with me."

I got into his car, and he started driving me downtown. For a second, I feared for my life – though I was fairly certain I could outrun Harvey, his terms of combat were far more inhumane than mine. Then, we got to the nightclub that Fish Mooney and the Penguin used to own. I thought it had been shut down, but there were people inside. Bullock gestured for me to get out of the car, and he knocked on the door.

A peep hole opened, and a pair of eyes asked, "Password?"

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall." Bullock whispered.

The eyes looked over at me, and said, "You brought a friend?"

Harvey told me to hold up my police badge, and I did. Then, the door creaked open, and I found something very shocking.

All the people in the place were cops, all laughing and drinking in their uniforms. The microphone on the stage was cued up waiting for someone to go on. Then, Harvey jumped up on stage and yelled, "Okay, who's ready to start this roast?!"

Everyone cheered. I found Alvarez and grabbed him to ask what this was, and he said it was a way to blow off steam. Then, he jumped on the stage, grabbed the microphone from Harvey, and started.

"Okay, this is all about Captain Barnes, so let's say some things about this amazing human being. Captain Barnes is our new captain and has revolutionized our workplace. Before, the precinct was like working in Canada, and in a few weeks he turned it into North Korea! How? He did what any effective leader would do. He got rid of everyone he didn't like, turned it into a ruthless sweatshop and fired everyone who didn't listen to him. Basically, he's like Hitler, but at least Hitler could grow a moustache. I would like to stress that Cap is effective. Look at his own life for example. Think about all the things he doesn't have to spend money on – dates, friends, a barber, all he has to do is dodge the omelet bars that are always chasing him."

Next, it was Bole's turn. He stepped up to the microphone, cleared his voice, and started, "So, let's talk about Captain Barnes. When I first saw this great man, I had quite a few thoughts. Primarily, 'Holy crap, my breakfast egg is coming for revenge on me'. But then he started to grow on me, or more specifically, rolling. That man could roll around the precinct like a deformed beach ball. While we're on the topic of his appearance, I'd like to say some things that have been on my mind. First, he looks like he used to have hair. Then, he yelled at someone, and his hair got so scared, it ran away and is now hiding on his back. Also, I would like to propose the theory that Barnes is the love child of the Thinker statue and Tweedle-Dum.

"But it's not all about looks in life. It's about personality. Did you see when he got the Strike Force to raid the Penguin's money stash and kill his henchmen? That's right. Our captain was surrounded by a bunch of murderers, criminals, and wanted men convicted of unspeakable crimes, and he still came off as the biggest asshole in the room! Once, he and Oswald Cobblepot stood next to each other, and Penguin thought Barnes was an egg and started trying to keep him warm between his feet! Anyway, the moral of the story? The next time Victor Zsasz comes into the precinct and comes face to face with Cap, Zsasz's first words will undoubtedly be, 'Daddy, is that you?'."

Finally, it was Harvey's turn. He grabbed the microphone, cleared his throat, and began while I started to escape. "Cap Barnes, what a guy! He's doing a great job following in Commissioner Loeb's footsteps. That's mostly because Commissioner Loeb's footsteps lead to the attic of a ratty nut-house, to the city's oldest mafia, and finally to a retirement home in Utah. Come on, though, give Cap some credit. He did what none of us thought anyone could do. He made Jim Gordon too lazy to take on extra work!

"So what else is there to this great man than yelling? Well, he did a lot of other things too! When he was young, he was the model for one of the most commonly known pieces of art in the world – the _bloated_ emoji on the iPhone. He later went on to pose as a model for the famous painting Starry Night. He's the moon. Finally, Cap fancies himself as the creator of the caps lock button on a keyboard. It didn't really have to exist before him, but he needed a way to yell at people who weren't in the same room as him, and yelling across the ocean was illegal at the time. There are a lot of words to say about our captain, but if you type them into a phone, you'd be autocorrected into 'duck' and 'as hole' and 'piece of ship dutch bag funk tard.' But now that I'm speaking in person, I can say them. Barnes, you're a-"

I was just about to make my escape before Harvey stopped all of a sudden and stared at someone in the front row. I craned my neck over to look and saw an officer holding a video camera.

"It's a spy for Barnes!" One cop yelled. "Get him!"

And I ran away while all the cops jumped that guy.


End file.
